Wild God by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

It's clear I'm struggling.

I've been reading Faith, Hope and Carnage by Nick Cave and Sean O'Hagan and visiting Nick Cave's website The Red Hand Files as a way of trying to address what's going on with me. And also try and distract myself from our situation.

Reeling from the trauma of Kidney Cancer and the complications of the cancer that led to the amputation of my one remaining knee. I'm now a full time and permanent wheelchair user. And I think, reeling from the knowledge that I'm never gonna walk again. I'm trying to rebuild my life. But it's slow and feels like I get stuck.

This morning I applied for some help from Kingston Council. They have a few online mental health courses to apply to. The mental health nurse I've met a few times suggested I apply. So I filled out a long online form and sent it off this morning. Who knows. Well actually Kingston Mental Health have got in touch with me. |I have an appointment in October.

I've also been considering writing a letter to The Red Hand Files asking Nick a question or send him my condolences about his own tragic, heart breaking losses. But my ego has held me back. I couldn't bare sending a letter and it not being replied to. Pathetic! But that's how I am. 

But over the weekend I suddenly knew what I could do. 
I could send him poems. My own poems about loss. After all I've got plenty of them. They slip in and out of the 2 collections of poetry I've written and had printed since 2004. They are Slaying a Dragon and Patches of Light. And there are others.

He'll read the poems.
He might reply privately through email or not. It's his call. But I think my ego would be satisfied with that.
I might send him a poem every so often. 

But I don't want them to be a burden on him. He's got a lot to bare himself.